Let us understand that perception is NOT reality. As we are word guys, meaning we believe that words powerfully shape our attitudes, beliefs, and, well, perceptions, let us start off by showing why perceptions and reality are different. Dictionary definition of perception: “The way of regarding, understanding, or interpreting something; a mental impression.” The other definition of perception: “a result of observing”, it is “a physical sensation interpreted in the light of experience”. And the dictionary definition of reality: “The world or the state of things as they actually exist… existence that is absolute, self-sufficient, or objective, and not subject to human decisions or conventions.” Clearly, perception and reality have very different definition and meanings. The former occurs entirely in the mind in which mental gymnastics can turn any belief into reality. The other exists completely outside of the mind and can’t be easily manipulated. Perception is not reality, but, admittedly, perception can become a person’s (group’s or nation’s) reality (there is a difference) because perception has a potent influence on how we look at reality.

Think of it this way. Perception acts as a lens through which we view reality. Our perceptions influence how we focus on, process, remember, interpret, understand, synthesize, decide about, and act on reality. In doing so, our tendency is to assume that how we perceive reality is an accurate representation of what reality truly is. But it’s not. The problem is that the lens through which we perceive is often warped in the first place by our genetic predispositions, past experiences, prior knowledge, emotions, preconceived notions, self-interest, and cognitive distortions. This basically underline that our reality is comprised of a series of experiences that shape the way we see things. Some philosophers argue that reality doesn’t actually exist, but, instead, is a subjective construction because we don’t experience reality directly. Rather, we experience reality through senses that limit how we process reality. For example, humans only see a circumscribed spectrum of colours or hear a defined range of sounds. But just because we can’t perceive a dog whistle doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist in reality.

Realty exist or not, however, problem is reality is not always known, which is where perception of reality comes in.  While reality is a fixed factor in the equation of life, perception of reality is a variable. Seeing is believing. To some extent, of course that’s true: Our eyes allow us to see what’s around us, helping us navigate our world. But it turns out, sight is much more complicated than that. What we perceive in any given moment is not only determined by sensory input, but by (as said above in other words) our personal physical abilities, energy levels, feelings, social identities, and more. For example, if we are obese or tired, distance look farther to us. People wearing heavy backpacks see steeper hills in front of them than those without backpacks. Further, easy-to-read statements seem truer. “Our penchant for fluency makes us susceptible to this bullshit—if it feels right, it is right—and when that vulnerability is scaled up to the level of media, you get truthiness and fake news,”. Our feelings affect our political views also. People who are more easily disgusted, tend to be more conservative politically. And they tend to have stronger negative feelings about people who support views they disagree with—like gay rights or the right to an abortion. Our political beliefs affect our math skills too. In an experiment people were asked to solve math equations to verify the truth of a research finding. As expected, people with greater math skills were able to figure out the answers more easily—but only when the result of the calculation didn’t contradict their political beliefs. If it did, everyone’s math was worse.

Thus thinking—even doing math—is not a process happening in isolation but is instead embedded in our personal thoughts and group identities. “We literally become flummoxed, stupefied, and incapable of wielding our full faculties when confronted with facts that threaten our social identity.” It is not only the things we perceive, but the judgments and decisions we make are based on what we perceive. Things that seem true and universal are often just our own unique experience of the world. This is useful to know—especially now, when we are fighting a deadly pandemic and mired in political and social turmoil. If we understand what irrelevant factors manipulate what we see and think, we can perhaps find ways to overcome these influences and make better decisions as a society. “If we wish to have a better understanding of ourselves and our fellow human beings, we need to appreciate( and accept) the startling individuality of everyone’s experience.”

Clearly, many forces below our conscious awareness affect our perceptions, thoughts, and decisions, and errors abound. Becoming cognizant of those influences could keep us from making costly misjudgements or creating unnecessary conflicts with others who see things differently. The ultimate benefit of that? Hopefully, having a little humility might help all of us to act with less hubris and be more open to other points of view. The way that we see things is considered to be our truth, our perception, our personal experience. Our reality is only disrupted by factual evidence, for example— we could experience a freezing cold winter day, but our reality is different from the reality of global warming. ... our reality isn't the reality.

Our perception is our reality. Change our perception, change our reality. Perception is our perspective, which is based upon our experience.

So, how much we can be wrong for others? For most of our life, we consider ourselves to be very sensitive to other people’s feelings— what we realize in the end, is that we usually project our own experiences onto other people and assume how they feel. For some reason, it is easier for us to assume their feelings instead of just asking them. Why do we do this? And why we are so adamant that we understood people? It is because we are using the thoughts and feelings of our own experiences, and applying it to them. What we forget is that everyone is different, we all think differently, experience things differently, have different experiences, feel differently, the list goes on. We use our own perception to discern, which is backed by our own thoughts and feelings. This is why something we consider to be anxiety-provoking, could be absolutely mundane to someone else. Why? Because in our own experience, a similar situation made us feel anxious. Our experience could be completely different than another person’s experience. This doesn’t make our experience null and void, it just means that our perception dictates the way we see or don’t see the whole-hearted reality of things.

And “what’s wrong with perception diverging from reality?” What if we perceive the world in a way that is out of touch with reality? There is a psychological theory that posits what are called positive illusions, which involve holding a slightly inflated view of one’s capabilities, which can have psychological and practical benefits (ie. gives hope, enhances persistence). However, if the perception deviates too far from reality when it shifts from mild illusion to delusion, it can be a liability (e.g., set unattainable goals, lack of preparation for a difficult task).  At a societal level, when different individuals or constituencies develop perceptions that are so far apart, one immense problem is that no common ground can be found. This disconnect is exemplified in our current political climate where people of different political stripes have such diametrically opposed perceptions that it becomes impossible to orchestrate consensus or govern. The result is paralysis or hostility. Going to extremes, a massive divide between perceptions in a country would likely lead to a slow, but steady, disintegration of the institutions that hold a society together. The challenge we face with our own thinking, as well as the thinking of others, is how to ensure that perceptions remain close to reality. This alignment is essential for us to live in the real world, find consensus with others, and maintain the individual, governmental, and societal structures that are necessary for life as we know it to exist.

How to keep our perception close to reality? In any given situation, there are some questions we can ask ourselves to better understand our perception, thoughts and feelings. Is the magnitude of my emotion matching the reality of the situation? What are the facts of the situation? What does this situation remind me of? How have I felt in a situation similar to this one in the past? Is that why I’m feeling this way now? What emotions am I hyperaware and extra sensitive to? Is how I feel a reaction to the past or to the present? What’s also helpful for me, is to put myself in the mindset of each person involved. What is their point of view? Also, don’t forget that communication is key. Almost all interpersonal/ intersocietal issues can be solved by communicating clearly. Ask people or players in a situation, how they’re seeing things. We all internalize everything so often; we forget that most of our wondering can be eliminated by asking a simple question. For a more accurate picture, build our reality based on reason and perception and try to strike a balance.

In other way, the best way to bridge the gap between what we perceive and what things actually are, is by checking in with ourselves to understand fully. Use a dialectical behaviour skill called “check the facts”— which basically is a mental checklist of the viable facts of the situation. What is unequivocally true in the situation? Then, take a look at how our experiences are shaping our perspective of the situation. Just because something is our reality, doesn’t mean it is the reality. For example: Say we just made a new friend, and had plans set which he cancelled on the last minute. If our past experiences include feeling of left out or not important, we may automatically jump to conclusions that this new friend has no interest in being our friend and cannot be trusted. The reality of the situation, the fact, is that we don’t know why he cancelled. The way we can remedy this is by examining the facts, finding out why we feel a certain way that it happened, what past experience this situation reminds us of; take a look into the way our past experiences are influencing us right now. This is especially true if we have unresolved issues. Despite this, we can be in control of how much something will have the ability to affect us. One of the most liberating things we can do is exploring unresolved issues by doing introspection and gaining a new perspective which introspection brings. Introspection help us examine our past experiences, work through them, learn from them, etc. We can explore past experiences to see how they shape our perception in the present day.

Thus, try to have a perception that includes gratitude, finding the silver linings, focusing on the bigger picture; understanding our role in our reality is key. Simpler way to practice gratitude is by challenging our thoughts and feelings of frustration by brainstorming how things could be worse. Sure, maybe some things are going wrong, but could it be worse? The answer is always yes. What helps us maintain a positive perception, is finding ways to practice gratitude. If we focus on finding the positive aspects of every situation, our perception will be mainly taken up by the positive things, making our reality more positive, enjoyable, and manageable. Take the example of the new friend that cancelled on you (as mentioned earlier): what if we were to take it as a sign that we needed to spend time alone? What if instead of feeling unimportant, we saw the situation as just what it was— cancelled plans, that left me with free time. Focusing on something we can do for ourselves in that free time will benefit us exponentially more than troubleshooting what caused the new friend to cancel plans. Our perception could go from something went wrong, to something went right. This is where faith comes in, if it wasn’t meant to happen then maybe it was for a bigger reason.  I personally think faith plays a huge role in bettering our perception.

But why should we have gratitude, positive attitude, faith etc. Because, emotions allow us to perceive good and ill in a world filled with both. They are, in fact, of our own creation, and they possess both the wisdom and vicissitudes of our oldest and most fundamental brain structures. Feeling bad makes things seem harder. Anyone who’s ever felt sad or depressed knows it’s hard to face the world when you’re down. “Emotions . . . have the job of giving a red or green light toward approaching or avoiding objects, people, and situations, and shape perception accordingly,”. That means that nurturing our positive emotions may help us to approach difficult tasks more easily. Having other people around make things seem easier. The presence of other people affects our perception in difficult situations, too. Holding hands with someone while experiencing a painful event can lessen the pain. These facts point to the centrality of our social relationships for resilience when things are hard.

Thus, to conflate (mix) perception with reality is to reject the Enlightenment and harken back to the Middle Ages. To avoid it: Don’t assume that our perceptions are reality (just our reality). Don’t hold own perceptions too tightly; they may be wrong (admitting it takes courage). Recognize the distortions within self that may warp perceptions (seeing them will better, ground our perceptions in reality, rather than the other way around). Challenge own perceptions (do they hold up under the microscope of reality?). Seek out validation from experts and credible others (don’t just ask own friends because they likely have the same perceptions as us). Be open to modifying own perceptions if the preponderance of evidence demands it (rigidity of mind is far worse than being wrong). And last but not the least, be respectful of others’ perceptions (they may be right).